How to get the power back
Being bullied is a most painful experience and one which is regularly dealt with by professional hypnotherapists. It can bring on a wide range of symptoms including feeling sick, shaky, tearful, panic-stricken and sleeplessness. We may not even realise we are being bullied, because when in that predicament, we often blame ourselves.
Hard though it might be to believe, you have attracted a bully because they fear you. Subconsciously, you arouse the bully’s envy and jealousy. When we are being bullied, our confidence takes a hammering, so this may be a difficult idea to accept, but it is true. You have qualities that the bully recognises and also fears,
This may mean for example, that you are, yes, own up to it, extremely physically attractive, highly intelligent, very good at your job (or potentially very good), sociable, likeable and pleasant company. Also, possibly quite affluent, honest, conscientious and kind-hearted. The bully hates you for the fact that you exist, and for the fact that you are loved and desirable.
Deep down, bullies are tortured with self-hatred which they slyly cover up with their cruel and calculated behaviour. They feel bitter, insecure and unloved. Bullying comes naturally, as they have usually been victims themselves, and who better to fit their bill for revenge on the world but you? Beautiful, unsuspecting, YOU. You have all the qualities and attributes a bully envies and longs to acquire.
But why are others not bullied?
The key reason is that you underestimate yourself and how powerful you might appear to others, suffering from a lack of self-worth as a result. This lack of confidence becomes the ‘chink’ in the armour, providing an access point for the jealous..
Unwittingly, you are a potent cocktail of tantalising strengths and delicate sensitivities which attracts bullies like a magnet. After all, if they perceived you as worthless, they would ignore you. As the brutal saying goes, ‘Who wants to kick a dead dog?’
Fear of Mistakes
Bullies seize on any slight mistakes you’ve made and blow them into gigantic problems. Insecure tyrants themselves, they are secretly terrified of making mistakes or even worse, being seen to make them, so they focus on your supposed ‘errors’, skirting round the truth as much as they can to put you on the back foot.
Malevolent behaviour starts softly. It appears harmless, or even ‘supportive.’
First the persecutor tests the water to see how you respond: ‘That’s not the way you put a piece of paper in a ring-binder.’
If you don’t instantly crush it, and many of us would be lost for words at their cheek, the insolence is ramped up. This can eventually mean blackmail, ‘If you don’t give me that photo you took of Kate and Prince William in Trafalgar Square, I’ll tell the office you’re gay.
Bullies at work meetings
As soon as you raise a valid point, a bully engages in passive-aggressive behaviour such as yawning, raising eyebrows, shuffling papers, checking their phone, looking out of the window, not acknowledging the point or switching topic.
The ‘Judas Kiss.’
Bullies use any kind of hogwash to knock you down, and make a fool of you in the eyes of others.
They might suggest you attend basic training courses which are well beneath your existing level in order to ‘upskill’.
‘Here’s leaflet I picked up for you about spreadsheet training for people who need help with maths.’
‘Have you ever thought about doing something about your accent? There’s a crash course in English pronunciation course you could go to, if you start right now, you might be up to speed by the time you have give that talk next month.’
Making it impossible to defend yourself.
I cleaned up your spelling and punctuation before sending the report out.
Pretending to protect you, which may involve deliberate lying but which can’t be disproved.
‘I put back that confidential file you had been reading just before you left last night.’
‘I heard you making mistakes on the phone, so I put Elena straight when I met her in the corridor.’
I had to stay late to sort out the meeting notes after you took them all out, so we didn’t waste time this morning.’
Paying false compliments
‘I think you’re losing weight. That jacket used to be much tighter across the back.’ (When you know for certain you haven’t slimmed down and may even have put a bit on lately).
‘It would be wonderful to have your sense of style. I just wish I could be as relaxed about wearing things that don’t go together.’
‘I’d love to be able to take a look at the paper while the kids play. I am just too worried about what they are getting up to.’
THE POWER CUT-STOPPING A BULLY
Once a bully gets the knife in, their meddlesome torture knows no bounds, so don’t delay in putting a stop to them.
NEVER SHOW A BULLY YOU NEED THEM
In social and work situations, keep your relationship on neutral ground. Whatever you do, do not show a bully you lack confidence, need them to help you or perhaps worst of all, you want them to like you as this cements their control. Remember the bullied child you knew from school, who despairingly bought in sweets for the school bullies and how it never made any difference to the torment and pain the petty ogres inflicted?
In the grown ups playground, do not bring such repugnant brutes gifts, make them a cake, join them at lunch, finish off a report for them, offer to take their kids swimming, and never, ever, under any circumstances invite them to your house.
KEEP TO THE FACTS
At work, keep to the facts. A diary of bullying incidents is your secret weapon.
Check out whether the company has a policy on bullying and harassment. Ask for a formal meeting with HR to discuss it with them, bringing the documented evidence of occasions when you felt bullied.
It may take courage but remember, bullies are highly competitive and doing all they can to ruin you. Unless you take drastic action, they might win, as they know whose ear to poison. Bullies are miserable failures at heart, and seek to curry favour with those above them. With a bit of luck on your side, they’ll crumble when confronted with the facts by an authority.
The vicious ex-why you need the clean break more than ever
If you feel bullied by an ex, even after a v fair and reasonable divorce settlement or a much needed break-up, they are gaining ground in an emotional battle that should have ended years before. Time for some self-appraisal. Do you perhaps desire, out of guilt, pity or nostalgia to keep a friendship with your ex?
If there is any residual self-blame or longing for what might have been, however irrational it seems to everyone else, a vindictive ex can use it as a weapon that never ends. This
may be disguised as goodwill towards you but they are secretly poisoning your relationships, damaging your prospects, embittering the children, or manipulating a ‘right’ to access your money and possessions.
The most successful way to pull the plug on relentless and concealed demands is to make a clean break from the relationship.
School bullies are a particularly bad lot, unable as they are to respect any sort of boundary line.
If you suspect you son or daughter is being bullied at school, you’re probably feeling desperate.
Use the school pastoral service at first. If this, sadly, lets you down, get a copy of the school’s policy on bullying and make a list of ways in which the school is failing to protect your child. Don’t hold back, worse case scenario, it can save your child’s life. Seek an urgent meeting with management and discuss the best way forward. Try to avoid taking your child off the school roll unless there is no other way, because that ends their responsibility for educating your child.
You may however, like to investigate other schools your child could move to if need be. You could also contact organisations such as Red Balloon which is an educational charity for bullied children and offers excellent guidance.
The role of hypnotherapy
If, despite giving it all your best, you still haven’t fixed it, why not consider professional hypnotherapy to rediscover your self-worth? It is a powerful and safe method which gets to the root of the reasons in your unconscious which have led to your predicament and hindered you from getting on top of the issues by yourself. It will help you break the chains that bound you, enable you to see a bully as they really are- vulnerable and weak, and set free the inner person you have a right to be. It gives the power back because it was never truly taken from you, you only thought it did.
As always, when engaging any professional, take care to choose the right person for you.
My article was first published by http://www.hypnotherapy-directory.com